January 9, 2005

Rev. Henry Ticknor
Unitarian Universalist Church of the Shenandoah Valley

Shadows of the Heart

January 9th and where is winter? I’m not complaining, mind you, but this stretch of above normal temperatures has me a little out of sorts…and worried.

One of the aspects of living in Virginia that I like the most is that we can usually count on about 8 to 10 weeks of winter starting in mid-December and lasting through the end of February.

Oh, I know that we’ve had snowstorms and ice storms well into March; but we also have enjoyed beautiful warm days that tell us spring will soon be arriving. This year, I’m worried that perhaps we will be paying for this respite from the cold and snow well into March and possibly even April!

In spite of the warmer than usual temperatures, we still have to put up with the darkness that characterizes this season we call winter. This darkness affects us all in different ways. For some, there is an urge to hibernate through January and February; for others this is the time of the winter blues also known as seasonal affective disorder.

For others, there is the chore of sorting out the remaining emotional baggage associated with the holidays’ just past. However these dark days impact you there is a bit of truth in each of these conditions.

Some of us do suffer physical symptoms from the reduced amount of sunlight; many of us are facing difficulties in the New Year that sap us of our energy and emotional strength; and still others are coping with slights, real and perceived, that had a negative impact on their enjoyment of the holiday season.

Light and dark; dark and light. To the artistic eye this season might be representative of the technique of chiaroscuro—or the interplay of light and dark in an engraving. Now we experience both the softer rays from the sun and the longer shadows and deeper shades of gray in the landscape.

Light and dark; dark and light beyond being simply opposites, light and dark comprise the whole of our experience. Without the light we wouldn’t be able to see the beauty of the world around us. Without the dark we would never see the stars in the night sky.

Lightness and darkness. These words can also be used to explore our human nature. Not one of us is capable of feeling one emotion all the time—not one of us exists with just pure and noble thoughts all the time. We are equally capable of being selfish and demanding, of having harmful thoughts toward ourselves and others. We are often surprised by the power and suddenness with which our emotions can come out of the shadows, out of the deep shadows of our true selves.

A teenager in Richard Bausch’s novel Rebel Powers, reminds us how perplexing emotions are when he says, “The fact was I didn’t feel much of anything very cleanly or purely, if that makes any sense. It was as if I had been churned up inside, so that all my emotions were colored with one another and had become one muddy shade.”

This passage was taken from Shadows of the Heart: A Spirituality of the Painful Emotions, by James and Evelyn Whitehead who summarize our emotions in this way:

Depression drains all delight from our life…. And beyond the bad feelings within, these emotions can have distressing consequences. Anger’s fury can ignite violence and injury. Shame and guilt feed addictive behavior, as people seek relief—unsuccessfully—in the momentary high of drugs or sex or food. Depression weakens the immune system, shrinking our stamina and leaving us vulnerable to other illnesses.”

“A surge of indignation goads us to take action; but what’s the best way to respond. Or, unexpectedly, joy floods our heart; where does this surprising contentment come from?” Ask the Whiteheads. Uneasiness leaves us upset and confused, but what are we really feeling?

Several years ago I came home from my job at the middle school where I was principal. Our daughters were probably around 8 and tens years old at the time. It had just started to rain very hard, and when I asked Nancy where the kids were, she replied that they had gotten tired of being cooped up in the house all day and had donned their rain gear to go out and play in the woods behind our house. I went out on our back porch to call them in but there was no response.

There’s a small patch of woods where they had gone to play with a storm creek that fills with water only after a good hard rain. Where the woods meet the street there is a culvert that carries the water under the road. Now as far I knew our children had never shown an interest in this culvert, but when I went back inside Nancy said something about the creek and maybe they were following it to see where it went. Well, this was the beginning of some serious mental agitation on my part.

I had a sudden sinking feeling as I asked myself, had they really followed the culvert under the street? Could they have somehow gotten stuck? Was there more water than they counted on? What in the world was Nancy thinking to let them do this? No, Nancy had no idea I was having these extreme thoughts because on the surface, at least, I was calm and collected.

Just as I was beginning to get really worried, the kids—our two and the son of good friends—came up from the basement. Well, I just lit into them. All my worry and concern was unleashed in a verbal assault that left everyone stunned. “Where have you been?” “Why didn’t you come when I called?” “Didn’t you know that the creek could be dangerous?’ “What were you thinking?”

Well, my words were met with stunned silence until one weepy little voice offered up’ “But, mom knew where we were.

Before Nancy had a chance to reply I quickly responded, “No, she didn’t. Don’t you ever go into that creek in the rain again and never, ever are you to go near the culvert.” By now I was using my most authoritative junior high principal voice and there was hardly a dry eye in the group.

The next voice was Nancy’s who very quietly offered up that, in fact, she did know where the children had been and that they had been in the basement the whole time, because you see, this was April Fools’ Day and poor Nancy had never imagined that I would react so vehemently or be so worried.

Now I was the one who was stunned into silence. In the few minutes that had elapsed since I had come home, I had convinced myself that our children had put themselves at great physical risk and no I was trying to absorb that this was all a practical joke on April Fools day. Talk about a brain freeze!

Normally I am not a yeller and to this day I can remember just how exhausted I felt when this little escapade came to an end and I was set straight. And I can remember just how easily I had gone from one strong emotion to another.

Initially, I had experienced a surge of indignation and anger at my children for behaving in what I believed to be a reckless way. This indignation propelled me into the anger that resulted in my verbal outburst. And finally, I was forced to confront guilt over my actions and the result of all this was a sense of shame that diminished my sense of worth and dignity. All in maybe ten minutes!

As the boy in Rebel Powers had said, “ It was as if I had been churned up inside, so that all my emotions were colored with one another and had become one muddy shade.”

“Bad feelings make us miserable,” write the Whiteheads, but they often come bearing gifts. A negative emotion’s gift sometimes comes in self-examination it provokes. Our regular ways of thinking and acting no longer work. Troubled and confused, we review our expectations, reexamine our values, and raise questions about how our life is going. Our reflection carries the seeds of significant transformation; both personal and social change start here.”

It is important that we recognize the darker or "shadow" side of our persona. We can't get rid of our darker side, but we can make peace with it and learn how to use our dark side.

We often suppress our strongest emotions such as anger, and then later they erupt uncontrollably, in incidents such as road rage. People don't wish to recognize such elements within themselves. We just have so much judgment, unease and anger at ourselves for being human.

Gaining mastery and control over our dark side is a three-step process. First one determines what it is they dislike about themselves, then they learn to "go to a place of acceptance." Finally, a person discovers the gifts of the dark side, how it can "humble us" and "teach us" what it means to be human.

Adrienne Rich, in her poem Integrity says this:

So, let’s take a moment to examine a couple of our emotions that might be considered to lurk in the shadows of our heart. First there is anger.

In its most destructive forms anger causes us to loose control and to strike out at others—both strangers and those we love. Think of the times you have read about incidents of road rage and then think about your own driving experiences.

Think about how your anger can rise up at something as minor as a shopper getting in the express lane with more items than the sign permits or when you discover the last piece of dessert that you have saved for yourself was eaten by someone else. Perhaps of all our dark-side emotions anger can be the most destructive.

But anger can also motivate us in positive ways. Anger can challenge us to right a wrong; to become involved in social justice and social action efforts. Sometimes anger can call us to protect those things we genuinely value such as the environment, civil rights, equal access to our civil freedoms and it can call us to protect from harm whatever we judge to be of genuine and lasting value. In short, anger in its best and noblest forms lead us into action in pursuit of justice and equality.

Another shadow emotion that impacts many of us is shame. That feeling that we are not worthy, or capable or competent enough as human beings.

How often have any of us heard the tired expression, “Have you no shame?” There is the shame we feel in the embarrassing moments of everyday life—the awkward comment, the social faux-pas, our sense that somehow we do not measure up to the expectations of family and friends.

But shame is also used to mold behaviors such as when a teacher belittles a student for poor performance or when a parent demeans a child in front of others.

However, shame can also be one of the roots of personal dignity as it provides us with the motivation to succeed and to be sensitive to the needs of others.

The Whiteheads have written, “A healthy sense of shame matures into the virtue of dignity. In dignity we recognize the value of our selves. As this virtue develops we come to greater comfort with whom we are…. Dignity is the esteem in which we hold ourselves. And dignity is self respect.” It is our sense of dignity that permits us to say “I am a competent and capable person.”

And finally, there is our sense of guilt. “Guilt’s destructiveness lies in its ability to tyrannize our life.” conclude the Whiteheads. How often do we react to our sense of guilt with some kind of over-reaction; we work harder and longer; we try to be better spouses and partners and children by complying with everything we are expected to do and to accomplish even when these expectations may be unreasonable.

Our battle against guilt is most evident when our language is filled with the words “should,” “ought to,” and “have to.” when we really don’t feel that we should, or ought to or must do whatever we are feeling guilty over.

And yet, our guilt reminds us to strive to be our best selves—it supports our sense of personal integrity—and it helps us to define those things that give value and meaning to our lives.

Anger, shame and guilt. Indeed these are the emotions that lurk in the shadows of our hearts. In what ways do these sometimes strong feels hold you back from fulfilling your hopes and aspirations to be a better person? In what ways do they motivate you to get in touch with your inner being? How does the presence of such strong feelings move you into action in this troubled and hurting world?

Each chapter of Shadows of the Heart begins with a Chinese character. The first chapter depicts the Chinese character for patience shows a knife poised over a heart depicting our willingness to hold still, even in a painful setting, until we know what we are feeling.

The last chapter is illustrated with the character that is found on the cover of this morning’s bulletin. This is the character for “the way” or the Tao. The character represents the mysterious path each of us must travel as we befriend our sometimes turbulent emotions. Or, as the Whiteheads express it, “The Chinese character for the way: the mysterious path of befriending our emotions, performing our passions, and becoming fully human.”

Or as the poet said,

As we walk down this path, we do not need to offer one another feel better comments or self-serving platitudes in an effort to make ourselves feel better or to make others feel better. Sometimes just accepting the shadows of our heart, our dark-side, is enough. And then, we shall each get what we wanted from this life….even so.

Amen